Things I Want To Say

When I say you mean everything to me, I mean you mean everything to me.

I literally feel like you know me better than my own family knows me and there are times where the only person in the entire world that is capable of putting the slightest hint of a smile on my face is you.

You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.

If you never walked in to my life, I know 100% that I would not be the person that I am today.

The person I am today is a person that I am proud of.. on most days. 

Nevertheless, you've literally pushed me and motivated me beyond so many limits these past 4 years.

You're the love of my life.

I know that no matter what, you are and always will be the love that I cherish the most.

I've never loved as hard and as fiercely as I love you.

You're the one.

I can't even begin to conceptualize anybody else by my side for the rest of my life.

It's always you.. It's always you.

There's literally nobody else out there that captures my heart or even my attention as much as you do and I have no desire in finding out if there's anybody else that comes even remotely close to you.

I already know that there's nobody else.

I know that I'll always be in love with you.

Always. 

Always and forever - that will never change for me.

I would literally go through bullshit after bullshit for you.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. 

As cheesy as it sounds but I'm fucking dead serious when I say if you were at gun point, I wouldn't have to think twice to take that bullet for you.

Caring for you and making you happy gives me the best feeling in the entire world.

When I see you happy, especially if I'm the reason why, I'm literally instantly overjoyed - it's a feeling I would never trade for anything in the entire world.

I wish you loved me as much as I love you.

I just want to be enough for you - because you're more than enough for me.

You're much more than I deserve.

I just want to be your only one.

I wish you'd realize that nobody can love you as unconditionally as I can.

I pray one day that you'll realize how much I truly love you.

Every time I say my prayers, I always say you last because even with God, I like to save the best for last.

When I pray, it's mostly about you - about us.

You make me incredibly happy.

You're irreplaceable.

You're my first love - I want you to be my last.

I wish things were back to the way they were.

I miss you.

I miss us.

I love you.

The People I Get Along With The Least: My Mother & My Second Youngest Sibling

I don't know if it's just me but I live in a household with two very aggressive, hard-headed, tyrannic women.  

That may sound bad all the time but it's not that bad all the time.

Most of the time, it is.

Let's start with my mother.

She was born and raised her whole life in the Philippines, a whole other culture and she was a law student, aspiring to become a lawyer in the Philippines.  Right before she gave birth to me, she was just about to take her bar exam (which I have no doubt in my mind that she would have passed) but she decided not to go through with it because, well.. I was baking in her oven. 

(Not literally)

Anyways, my mother has always been a very strong woman, which is pretty much an understatement for the kind of person she is.  She asserts herself in whatever way she can, she LOVES to exercise control over anything and anyone and she definitely has NO problem speaking her mind.  In this aspect, I fully and totally admire her for the woman that she is.  She's incredibly hardworking like you wouldn't believe and I actually think she's an undercover super hero sometimes (full-time business woman, full-time mother to 3 kids, full-time wife, full-time everything). 

I completely love and respect my mother with every bone and cell in my body, trust me, but she is the most infuriating person in the entire planet sometimes (don't I just sound like a teenager? Heh).  She's completely tyrannic because she has the SHORTEST (and when I say short, I mean MINUSCULE) temper I've ever experience in any individual my entire life.  She's a very passionate woman so when she gets angry - she gets REALLY angry. 

She says a lot of things that she doesn't mean and are completely unreasonable, she does things very drastically and dramatically just to unleash her anger.. Overall, she's the worst person to be around when she's not in a good mood.  I just wish that she were able to control her anger more and stop taking things so seriously and so heavily and just start... you know, being more light-hearted and slow-tempered.  Her temper and her inability to control her temper (despite the fact that she seems to be a master at control everything and everyone else) is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I really don't want that with my mom.  When she's in a good mood, we have tons of fun together and she's super fun to be around.  She's funny, she's easy-going, she's such a good vibe to be around... when she's in a good mood.  Otherwise, she's a complete (excuse me, Jesus) bitch. 

Segue over to my second-youngest sister now.

My second-youngest sister is a year and 8 months younger than me so we're basically twins (we look very much alike, same height and everything) and we do everything together.  Unfortunately... You know how they say there's a good twin and there's a bad twin?  

She's most definitely the bad twin.

From the moment we were babies, she was the one who threw a tantrum every 2 seconds, who screamed her head off all night long for no reason, who refused to be put down and left alone, who threw things at people and hit people whenever they approach them.

Little has changed since then.  

While I inherited my dad's calm, easy-going, slow-tempered, semi-careless mindset... she inherited my mom's mindset.  

It can be really difficult living with ONE tyrant, imagine with living with two?!  It drives me insane sometimes.  I'm not saying I'm perfect (those two are MUCH better than me at many, many, many things) but what I like about myself is that I am very good at controlling my anger and I have a very slow-temper.  I don't come off as intimidating or scary, I'm more relaxed and happy-go-lucky.

A lot of the times, I feel like those two team up and gang up on me whenever I say something that they disagree with.  Whenever they say something that I disagree with, I usually just keep my comments to myself and listen to whatever they're saying to avoid an argument but they really have no trouble starting one.

The crazy, hypocritical thing is that once the argument starts - they blame it on me!

I think that because those two are just so OBSESSED with control and being right all the time, they can't handle being wrong at sometimes and can never admit when they do wrong.  It's disheartening because they're such good people and they're strong attitude and quick temper get way ahead of them.

I cherish the times when neither of us are screaming at each other or giving each other attitude because it could literally be only a few seconds and then BAM - we're all screaming again.

I feel like myself and my poor dad are just basically the doormats they walk on a lot of the times and maybe we take for granted what my mom does, I know I should really express more appreciation for what she does because she really deserves it, but I think that it should be a two-way streak as well.

I'm just praying that our family dynamics will strengthen and we'll just grow stronger together as a unit because these lunatics mean the most to me in the whole world.

Regardless of all of this, I still love them and they're my rock.

Can't choose family, right?

Lol.

Cheers,

Sty xo

MY Thoughts On An "OPEN RELATIONSHIP"

Up until recently, I never fully considered an "open relationship." Actually, I always thought of it as a stupid concept and a pathetic label for someone who has commitment issues. To be honest, I still feel the same way but up until recently, I've seen this concept in a new light.

An open relationship, from MY understanding, is being in "casual" relationships with multiple people. It basically means that while you may be seeing one person, you are in no way monogamous to that one person and you have other people you are calling/texting/kissing/having sex with/calling 'baby'/etc.

My boyfriend & I have been going through a lot of issues lately, mostly dealing with the fact that our 4 year relationship has kind of hit a plateau - basically, we're in a rut. We both agreed that there was something lacking in our relationship lately and we weren't on the same page anymore - we both were at a point where we realized that we had different goals for our relationship.

So after tons of talking (and tears), we decided that we needed to really figure out what we wanted for ourselves individually and what we wanted for each other and together as a couple. He decided that he would like to try seeing other people, seeing as I'm the only girl he's ever had a relationship with BUT he also wants to work on our relationship TOGETHER. I decided that I would also TRY to see other people while we work on our relationship as well, although I would prefer to stay monogamous. Basically, we decided on trying out this "experiment" but making the focus of this "experiment" about us - working on US and rebuilding our relationship; creating a stronger foundation for us as a couple and as best friends.

That's the most important thing to both of us while we try out this relationship - the fact that we work on us.

In short, here are the basic terms & conditions of our "experiment":

1.) We stay together; we're not breaking up.

2.) For the duration of frosh week (the "party week" before we start university), we will also try to CASUALLY see other people (ie: a little flirting, a little kissing, a little dancing, etc).

3.) We hold off on any physical intimacy (for the most part) in our relationship until we're at the point where we're both on the same page again.

4.) We focus on the "best friend" part of our relationship and try to connect on a deeper level.

5.) He tries out new experiences and gains more knowledge about relationships and other girls so he's not so naive about that whole scene.  

6.) I try not to think so much about the past or the future and try focus on living in the moment and taking our relationship day by day.

7.) We both set up goals for each other as a couple and we work hard to achieve these goals day by day together.

The only thing that's grinding my gears is the "seeing other people" part... I just wish that he wouldn't need/want to see other people, you know? He says that he just wants to try it and see how it goes, just for some experience and I guess for "fun" purposes but I do kind of feel like he wants/needs to do this because I'm depriving him of important life experiences. In a way, I do know that I am depriving him of the experience of being with other girls because I'm his first and only but I just wish I was enough for him. It's lowkey killing me that I'm not enough but I take comfort knowing he needs me in his life and he would also like to put more focus on US and OUR relationship. It's still really comforting and reassuring knowing that he still loves me very much, he doesn't want me out of his life and he wants to focus on us more than anything in this experiment. If I love him as much as I say I do, I'll let him try to see other girls and gain new experiences.

I even asked him that if me and any other girl he would be "seeing" or hooking up with at the time were to get into a cat fight, which side he would take and he said,

"YOURS, OBVIOUSLY!" 

Haha. Bitches.

Regardless of what encounters we may have with other people within the next few weeks, we both know and agree that we're both more important than any sideline hoe or sideline.. man, lol. 

We're also starting a new and really big chapter in both of our lives - university. We started and ended high school together and we both decided that since technically, we'll be entering "the real world" in a few short weeks, we should begin a new, more mature stage in our relationship. I can't let him enter this more mature stage of our relationship without letting him experience other things as well first.

I just hope that we don't lose sight of what's most important during this experiment - each other.

We'll see how this goes!

Cheers to a more mature and stronger relationship built on a stronger foundation.

Anyways, bye.

Sty xo